City Amateur

As all of you know, the City Amateur was this previous weekend. After a solid first day shooting 78, I was paired with a group that I will never forget. Of course shooting a score that high normally results in being paired with random guys from Savannah who you have never met or heard of in your life, and this just had to happen to me on this particular Sunday. The first guy I met was Matt Morris a typical Savannah boy of around the age of thirty. Typical golfer as well, not the best player in the world but a very nice guy. The next guy's name I will not forget for a while, as Jim Crumbley stepped up on the tee, I looked at Fender and wanted to shoot myself for being paired with this man. The outfit he was wearing probably only stated the class that this was man was from. His outifit consisted of: black shoes with the leather ripping off of, white socks (although they had probably been worn the last three days and they were not as white as they should have been) and remember he had black shoes with these white socks, cargo pants (forgot the belt of course), an untucked yellow shirt that had some ancient seventies design to it, and a Georgia mesh has that was about the color of the grass outside. I knew this man was a class act from the get go. As he steps up to the first tee with his cigarette in mouth, all I could think was a wonder if this guy gives a shit about what he looks like and is he really going to tee off in the final round of the city amateur with a cig in his mouth. Of course my wish was not fulfilled, as he threw the cigarette to the ground to hit his opening tee shot that snap hooked into the woods proceeded by a nice son-of-a-bitch out the man's mouth. As we proceed to head down the first fairway the man finishes his cigarette. We pull up to the green, and what do you think happens, old Jim decides to catch himself a nice fat pinch of dip. He then proceeded to follow the pattern of cigarette one hole, dip the next two holes, until we had played all of the holes. However, it was not only the way he looked that made this a memorable day, but also some of the things that he said. We kind of strayed away from the man for the first couple holes, as we were trying to stay clean, but on the fourth tee the par three over the fine river, he approached me. He goes up to me and he says: "Brendan, how is that pootang situation up there at Augusta College?" 1. Dude you are like forty years old, why are you asking me about women and sex. 2. When the hell did anybody say pootang, I mean most guys would be like how are the women up there. 3. Its Augusta State as my bag reads retard, and its something you probably know nothing about as the intelligence that this man possessed was just radiating the group. After being asked that, I took the shock on and replied that I had pretty much dated a couple of girls for the year. He simply responded that that is bullshit, and I should be having as much sex as possible. I think to myself, dude, you probably have never gotten laid in your life, why are you saying that and why would I listen to you as you are definitely a role model for us all. So after we hit our shots, I looked at Fender and thought to myself, where is a gun. We continued on play, and I felt so bad for the other playing partner Matt Morris for being stuck in the cart with good ole' Jim. I am sure they probably had talks about Jim's sex life, and the fact that he does every drug on the planet. I am also sure they probably talked about the risk of cancer for Jim and that he probably has a 99% chance of getting cancer. For the rest of the round, we proceeded to not talk to Jim, but we do have one other story. We are sitting on the eleventh hole at Bacon Park, a presteen golf course in Georgia, waiting for the group in front of us to finish putting. As BK and his goons are putting, Jim lifts up his shirt exposing his nice fat beer belly. He then takes his right hand under and starts to rub the bottom of his beer gut for a good solid minute. He is just standing in the middle of the fairway, rubbing his belly for who knows what reason. After hearing all day the dictionary of classy words, we finish the round. That was my City Am experience for this year, and it just goes to show you how presteen bacon park is.